hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
