You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
