There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
