Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
