As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
