My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
