someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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