You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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