So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
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