I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
