Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
