I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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