Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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