Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
