I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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