I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
