let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish there were birth control emojis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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