I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
