i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Bring me that man meat
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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