I cockslap morals
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
