today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
