i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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