Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
