wrigley field is MILF paradise
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
