im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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