you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
