I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
