I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
