Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She's the barista slut.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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