did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I party with great urgency now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
