Your face is a jimmy john
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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