Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
