i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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