I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
