my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will be naked everywhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
