hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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