I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
