So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We left the knife in your bed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
