Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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