Will you blow on my dice?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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