my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
