Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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