Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
