I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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