Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
