I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
