This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
