A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish you could order shots online.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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