I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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