My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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